OK. It’s 2 in the morning I’m heating the knife don’t know if it’s a cut or burn yet but maybe someone can talk me out of it?

but who?

no one. that’s who.

“I’m here to talk”

is as bullshit as when people used to say, ‘man up’ or bullshit like that.

yeah sure, you’d love it if I phoned you at 3 in the morning when you’ve got work at 5 to tell you I’m full of Sad.

I prefer screaming into the darkness

I guess a problem is is that the more you accept that you don’t need what you think you need, the more you think about what you don’t need.

it doesn’t necessarily start the spirals off again but it does make you think about what you don’t need.

to refer to my own unfinished poem…

Am I alone
or am I lonely?

Truth be told?
I’ve never really know.

Once you know and accept it, it doesn’t stop the questioning. but I guess it gets easier to accept the answer you’ve always known.

The time I played for Lina’s birthday at the pub opposite LGI.

Isaac from Kovax was working that night.

I finished my set, chatted a bit with people, got to the bar and they’d stopped serving.

NOOOOO.

Then the guy who owned the place said something like, “You’ve entertained us so much with your words, here’s a free beer even though we’ve stopped serving.”

– A tiny gesture but a beautiful memory and self knowledge moment that my Art is actually good.

murder
murder
self murder

I could totally self murder
right now
and nobody would know
for days
and days

I totally could do that.

I know I wont
and “self harm” is out of the question
I can’t take some acid
at this late hour
I no longer punch walls
or
any of it.

how do I get rid of my last bits?

I’ve reached the lovely bit in the trip. Can’t really find any words but then I’m on me own anyway and no one to listen. Too much work to talk anyway. Typing, thinking, writing, that’s better.

Need a wee though so going to do that and have a cheeky smoke too.

the thing is, I’m scared. But I don’t know what I’m scared of and I don’t know why I’m scared of whatever it is but it’s there like a presence.

and because I don”t have a safety person close person that can get or make me get that kind of grown up malarkey our of me,

I don’t give a shit.

ADHD/Depression/bi polar/althzeimers/too much weed/am I just a weirdo/is my body indestructable through all the drugs booze times or am I really poorly?

Is it all just fun and games or am I gonna do a Lemmy and pop me clogs at Chrimbo.

Are any of these body and mind aches I have worth paying attention to or is it all just normal?

full of lovely from the gig but yeah, I’m fine, thanks for asking

Sometimes, like now, I scream and scream and scream and the inside pain is, if I could just scream loud enough I could get rid if it but no so oh, a slice of the knife?

obvs that solves everything but one isn’t allowed any more but why why can’t I but then you realise it’s a different screaming pain and the knife wouldn’t actually help in the situation any way.

so you’re left with,

WELL THEN HOW DO I GET RID OF ALL THIS CACOPHANY OF SCREAMING INSIDE MY HEAD?

I was good tonight. I joined in more the quiz was more up my street I wasn’t just ahem ext for another htought paht day.

I’m been mostly good since I got home and had more beers and smokes and

I don’t want to be dead but it is so much fucking hard work being alive that it is a right pain in the fucking arse.

A thing I miss about Manchester is that we don’t quite have this in Leeds except Carpe times and stuff.

It’s the going back to someone’s house and all getting high and intoxicated on whatever and everyone meets everyone and

I know my Leeds friends were young and now they are doing houses and kids and stuff which the Manc ones have been through or not beothered with and are now back to or still doing thsat kind of stuff.

I do miss those days when it wasn’t just me still up at x o’clock in the morning wanting to talk or drink or intoxicate more and we’d sit on the roof or in the woods and watch the sun or moon rise