5350 - 25 June
A thing joe said tonight that I didn’t let on too much because it was his turn of taliking.
I have not labels for my brain.
I can’t put ADHD on my cv lie PhD or MsC or any of them.
I can’t even say I’m bipolar or put myself on the spectrum or any of it.
And i truly do (weeping as I type) want a label and join in with the gang and be able to explain shit with people listening to me because they think I know shit because I am this that or the other.
I fucking hurts so much not having a label because they seem to make people pay more attention.
But then, of course, I don’t want one because I don’t need labels to describe me and I would hate to be put into a category so I’ll put up with the pain of not having the thing I don’t want anyway.
5341 - Random thought
Over your life, you become a different person now and again. Just a couple. Example when I came to Leeds and the poet/Godfather all that stuff.
But it’s hard to remember who you were before the current incarnation. you have all the memories and feelings and so on but you no longer think the way you used to.
So it’s hard to put yourself in your then shoes and look at you now. But I think the pre now me would be happy with who I am and insanely proud and fucking astonished that I not only go on stage and all that stuff but that I was on a fucking gig poster in a record shop. I think that’s the one the younger me would be most proud of.
5335 - the calendar clock says it’s 2.01 on 13 June
Nobody is replying, I’m the last man standing, again.
I’m OK again. but when I’m not OK it’s all me me me. when I am, its all everyone else and I should go to bed but have I told such and such they are cool or whatever?
It’s a never ending cycle of giving and wanting to give and even needing to give.
I used to know what I was when I was on my own but then I found people and they made me be me and it all got complicated.
but then the beauty of Godfather being released into the wild.
I guess I’ll never really understand myself because it’s nowledge one doesn’t need but retrospect, the price and the pain is always worth paying.
5265 - Finished the end of the trilogy day
I’m supposed to be saving the last words for myself. That was my plan, my promise to me.
but who am I writing for? I don’t read my shit so am i writing for the future or am I writing into the void?
I’d prefer the later but fear the former.
I think it’s impossible to talk truthfully to yourself outside your own head.
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