6684 - Star date, 17 September 2023
ages since my last entry, a lot has happened. I haven’t been keeping up with this as a mental get rid of my shit diary like I planned.
but as an honest catch up, I’ve been on almost a two week bender, with the odd day off, and way over done it. No work to go to though and can afford it so it’s safe.
most of the intoxicants are gone now so have to calm down which is good because being intoxicated on things is a lot of fun if you do it right, and sometimes you get away with being allowed to do it for a little bit longer on the run for a change.
One cannot not take up such an offer but must remember there is a beginning and an end.
I might have half a tab and set up loads of things for me to do when I’m on it beforehand, and call that the end of this binge or something.
6587 - Day 1 of doing fuck all
Since my job finished yesterday I’ve done fuck all except go down the pub and get drunk and high and do the quiz.
Let’s see how much fuck all I can do tomorrow
6536 - Whatever day since my last confession
Who do I confide in about how tired I am how much it all tires me and exhausts me and all the outside bits take a piece of me.
My purity of moments get less and less. Still as intense and cleansing but more gaps in between.
I don’t exactly know what I feel these days but I think I have an unhealthy not sharing things thing going on
6446 - Right now
I would very very much like to be rescued
6412 - Back
First one of the new year and just after the new year and a new year thing is that I NEED to go on stage more this year.
I need to tell stories
6082 - 11/11
When I look at all the posters and set lists on my walls, I wonder who I’d be if they weren’t there. And the truth is, I’d be empty without them.
There are a thousand memories on my walls that are stored in my mind but without the visual reminder of a set list with a foot print on it or a torn and sellotaped running order poster or…
They are the key to the door the memory is stored behind.
They are the beauty of who I am. They are my proof that I am Rock ‘n’ Roll.
Even if nothing else in life, you look at these walls and you just know I was fucking awesome at doing Rock ‘n’ Roll.
Whatever this life is that I’ve lived so far, these walls tell me I have fucking BOSSED it.
5614 - Now
it’s interesting how my last words always want to be a big beauty explosion to someone or a self hatred thing that involves me doing the bad thing.
I have middles and can mostly sort of deal with things but, maybe because I can’t give the other, I give this more strongly.
Right now I would rather get the knife from under the bed that I pretend I don’t know is there and slice my own ar, rather than work out who to send some lovely words to.
I’m here to listen. FUCK OFF YOU’RE NOT.
I could in no way message a shit who posts shit like that than I could burn myself when shit goes down.
Loads of people say, ‘I’m here to listen’ but I have no interest in messaging them no matter how deep I get.
You don’t help someone with a mental head by offering to help.
(bigger thought words. Bed time.)
5607 - New years day malarky wank fuck
Where’s mine?
Oh look, it’s my own again given to myself by myself. Despite all the you can’t help saying, where is yours?
Not the gigs not the just fucking fucking fuckingakajdkajlksdjf;aldsjfal
I fucking scream so much sometimes for the thing I don’t need but I would just wouldn’t mind now and again if I could have a little bit please?
I love that I’m a giver but I can only fill myself up so many times before someone else will have to fill me up.
I think I just want to someone to whisper in my ear how beautiful I am and I can’t disagree.
Like someone writing my poem but not cos I’d hate that.
5605 - Tonight
Too much left to give no cunt wants it tuck it all away in the falsjflkajdlkfjsadlfjalkfd kind of way. cunts.
5595 - November 14. Year of our lord 20and21
I feel like I’m in the recording studio and I’m getting tipsy and high and recording shit and then smoking and thinking for a bit and then mixing it and adding the soundtrack and sending it to someone first and, yeah, man.
I could totally get high in a 70s mega rock band and record shit at all sorts of levels in the whenever times late night in the desert wherever.
I would have been fuckn’ ace at it. Chatting shit with all these artists and saying random shit that influenced their songs.
Maybe that’s me being the muse?
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