Dear me,

you are a total fucking bellend.

But I do actually like you, even if only on other people’s say so and I am coming round to accepting you as some weird fucking thing that flows through life with eyes on everything but the road, and somehow never crashes.

I have wonderful friends and through them, I’ve come to trust myself.

Still think I’m a dick, obvs but don’t want to hurt myself to recompense that or anything and I do know people like me because fuck my eyes, they are using theirs not mine.

I miss not liking myself and paying the price but I guess it’s also a knowledge I’m not yet ready to share in case I’m not ready and I fall back crash and burn so much that bad shit goes down.

People announce they are not an alcoholic anymore and get applause and everything. If i announce mine, not only might I not be ready, nobody will really give a shit because they don’t understand.

Booze and drugs and gambling or any of that stuff is easy for people to get their heads round but this is a whole other world because they don’t even understand what you’ve escaped from never mind how much freedom you have just gained.

Drinking a million beers a night or injecting heroin into your eyes is at least something people can sort of get their head round but taking a knife and slicing your own arms because otherwise your brain will explode, is a little bit trickier for them to grasp I think.