I want to hurt myself so fucking much it’s unreal. Every time I buy the boozes i hope it will be tonight but it still isn’t.

I can’t do it on purpose to let the pain out on purpose when it’s more pre empting the pain rather than it’s actually there like I used to.

I’m only allowed to let it out when I absolutely have to, like danger point and Danger will happen if I don’t open the valve then.

Why can’t I just open it a bit, now and then?

Sometimes a slice of the knife is all it needs but people will not let me or be upset with me.

Maybe it’s my own fault this is building up to a countdown.