I was going to message someone anyone I’m in that place but no rules I’m starting to learn like I’m going for a walk every day even if I do sit on a bench in the park and smoke and write stuff.

I’m trying.

I just don’t know how to do things. I don’t know how to motivate myself. Why would I do all that outside physical stuff when I have a Wasteland to conquer or a spaceship to explore.

I know I’m doing something because lacing up my yellow laces Doc Martens has become part of the routine like the opposite of trying to break a habit, I’m trying to create one.

I think, since ‘the incident’ I’ve been trying to change. I at least buy strawberries and try and do bananas sometimes but, I need a focus, I need someone to keep me on course, I need the kind of help I don’t want.

I still haven’t grasped the earthly reality of how scared everyone was when i threw up all that blood and gunky stomach lining whatever weird shit.

I’ve just rolled one, I’m supposed to be writing a diary of honest stuff but it took me so long to roll I don’t know what I was talking abou tnever mind what mood I’m in.

Can I even be honest with myself or is this how I am honest? I think this even though i can’t do the above adding up.

I don’t think I know who I am enough any more to be able to write an honest diary.

I don’t know who I am any more based on my own view, the hippy kid in the 80s knew a fuck tone more about me than I ever do now.

I’ve become so much more since then and outside stuff but I no longer see myself the way I used to.

I trust me now but i liked me back then.

Ooooh, I looked got all grrr and fuck you I’m pressing send and going for a smoke to change the mood from you because you’ll never fucking know until you die.

It’s half 3 and I do have words left and I shouldn’t and it’s my own fault and I like being this full of giddy happy when it happens.

but again who to give it to and it’s almost like I fill myself up on purpose so that I’m not able to empty it and the bad thing can happen.

I don’t know what I want, except just to ‘do shit’ that’s all I’ve ever really done I think.

I think about that thing Hutch said once when he got the gist wrong but said, ‘you should try companionship’

I like that word, it doesn’t sound like sex or too much complicated stuff, it just sounds like a thing that’s there if you need it.

I think I’d like a companion now to cuddle to sleep. Just that extra bit of closeness to one single person

Massive thought path changes onto ‘other things’ bed time.

The last one got deleted I wrote it hours ago it doesn’t matter. i just looked at the time and it’s 3:24. it was the same time last night I think when I was writing and I looked at the clock.

Twice on the run it could be spooky but it’s bullshit. It’s not even a coincidence yet. but that’s how I used to love numbers and look for those patterns.

I’m not regressing or any backwards stuff and I’m certainly not evolving but there is something going on.

Who do I ask about the conversations in the head and to what level is it before it’s weird other than Joe but i can’t type him messages it’s to slow on the thing.

thats weird. A cloud just lifted and I have a cider left and a cheeky smoke so , cheer o pip.

The body thing is interesting I’m getting tubby I think that’s why the other me I’ve been going out for walks, almost on the sly

dude, the buzz and losing weight from the gig is gone, go outside. and move that ass….you lazy fuck.

I talk a lot to myself in my head, I message a lot of people when I’m like this.

I’m me i’ts fine I’m normal.

What if I’m not?

I wish I could remember if I was always like this. I’m fairliy certain I was but what if I wasn’t and a shrink would be a good idea.

But then aren’t shrinks just talking to yourself anyway like in The Healer?

You don’t know until you know or you don’t know until you try.

From me to me, go see a shrink, try some meds.

From me to me, fuck you you scary cunt.

I don’t know what I want and I’ve no idea what I need. I just do stuff with no steering wheel and hope I don’t crash.

Gonna press send and do a body one part t or something

Struggling already. Went for a walk, sat in the park, read an old notebook, wrote some stuff, now on the beer.

Don’t want to eat but it’ll just make it worse if I don’t which may be why I don’t want to eat.

Fuck.

I’m gonna keep this up, it’s healthy.

What do I have to say?

That guy’s shit has near enough stopped fucking with me. I’ll think this and that for a bit yet I know, but I think I can handle that quite easy.

It was so upsetting because it’s been a very long time since I’ve been that misunderstood.

Went for a smoke got thinking. A thing that scares me a lot is all this brain stuff. The more I read the more it seems I’ve got ADHD. And i read a thing the other day and this woman said she was old when she got diagnosed and they gave her some meds and everything was the same but clearer.

I imagined it in the way of getting a new pair of glasses.

What if I could do that? What if there were meds that could just make it all a little bit calmer without changing who I am?

I scare me a lot but so many cool people like me that I want to stay like this, I can get by and do a grown up if I absolutely have to but, what if, just what if

I don’t know what if, thoughts end on a blank highway sometimes and I can’t not help writing in a poetry way even in my fucking diary.

I don’t want to be fixed but what if they can actually fix me?

I will die never knowing because I know I’ll never do it. And I no longer have anyone who would make me do such a thing.

I wish I could “accidentally” download the first one for free.

Who do you tell your darkest to? When you’re giving when do you give that bit?

I have bravado I have silly to hide behind I have protection from friends, the dark is kept at bay.

But who do I tell about the bits that get in through the cracks in the door at night?

The parts I don’t even talk about with myself.

when do I get to tell someone how scared I am and cry on their lap?

Never. Because when i wake up in the morning I will be back to knowing I can’t have such things.

it’s such a strange thing to want but not want. Even though i talk loads about honest stuff I’m not sure except maybe Ellie, I’ve ever told anyone how scared I really am.

I shit it ever day.

I paint my nails is that OK? Am i being too weird? I wear all my armour, is it an affectation or a flamboyance or a protection?

Am I screaming for help from inside a locked cage or am I all rooster shit?

What am I protecting? Who am I protecting from what? What am I so scared of about being scared of?

Inside I think I’m a fucking wreck. And it’s all held together with gaffer tape and blu tac.

This vomiting blood thing i didn’t even think it was scary until everyone shit their pants on my behalf.

It’s only been a week or so and it seems like a lifetime ago that a thing happened but I was OK meanwhile people are going ape shit and doctors and blood tests and shit.

It all doesn’t seem real anymore except I still need the last test results to see if I’m OK or not.

if I’m not and have to do hospital shit there is going to be fuck ton of me not paying attention to things I should do and just digging the cool out of everything.

It’s difficult to tell someone/anyone/yourself how truly scared your really are.

I should talk more on here when I dont know what to say to anyone and don’t have to correct my red underlined spelling like the glowing red wobly line fucker above.

How do I feel on this first day of my new diary?

Well, funny you should ask, I had blood tests for a maybe scary thing but still got boozed up and high anyway because I felt like it and wanted to get into a writing mode.

Apart from that I’m completely groovy with this whole doing nothing thing

But the other never goes away.

Apart from missing the gigs I’ve had so much tranquillity this year it’s been

I haven’t wasted it I’ve revelled in it.

I’m not talking to you any more