The lonely thing and all that, no matter how much I try and work out if I even miss it. I just want somebody who can keep up with me.

Oh i dont’ know fuck off

Sometimes you have stuff but don’t know who to tell it to. Am I distrusting them or are they just not the right person to receive it the way it’s delivered or

and then the fucking spirals start.

I can’t even scream any more.

and I don’t even know what hurts anymore.

I can’t hurt myself unless I NEED to anymore and I’m groovy with the escape but it never goes away

I almost feel ashamed of myself for not having a visible scar that’s less then 7 or 5 or 6 years old.

I should be proud of it but I can’t and I’m not and I miss the easy way out even if I don’t want it anymore but sometimes it hurts so much and I’m not alowed to alleviate the pain and I love my friend bu tI wish no one cared so I could do the thing and sort my shit and shut my brain.

And then it gets late and who do i talk to? Who do I message? Do I just shut up and keep it all inside? no because if be true I used to do this to get fucked up so that I would hurt myself now I do it so I can send nice to people but how much is OK?

Most people don’t mind or they say they don’t mind but how much can they take? Can I send seveneen messages on the run but only NEED an answer from one of then and it’s about number 11. but without the rest even number 11 doesn’t make any sense.

I’ve thought it before and think I might have come close in the past that you can get too deep in the depths of it all, even if nobody follows you that far down.

Wasn’t a good head day. I could feel the fucker knocking on the door and it was almost in and it was just so easy to give in and I wanted to, oh so badly did I want to.

But I didn’t not.

it’s a victory but it doesn’t feel like it.

Oh well, one less scar…for now.

I always end up feeling scared, even when I’m not and I know I’m not and i pretend I’m not scared about not knowing what I’m doing or however deep I get.

It is so important that I’m alone else hence not who I am whom I dig I’m Godfather funny stories swear wordy rythm and rhyme it’s not a front to protect because it is real but it’s ace that most people don’t know the sub levels except what I talk on Facebook that no one reads mostly.

Today has been a full on happy head but I could let that cunt in at any second.

Somehow we both know I wont but we both know I want to so we go through all this pretend and then call it a draw.

I will always win even if I don’t want to and he will whatever but one day, I will slice my arm again or I will feel the fire.

The further I get away from it the more it becomes a desire but it isn’t something I want or need so where is this yearning coming from?

Is it because the more of my abilities I lose the more you take off me and the more I’m left to do it on my own?

Fuck you anyway for not letting me you fucking fuck fucker cunt shit twat wank.

Oh yeah sure I wont hurt myself because you’re all namby fucking pamby bleah bleah bleah you pussy.

But cheers me dude, neither will I.

Note to self. Please, please, please try and memorise Sandy’s half a hundred birthday poem so that you don’t have to read any of it and it will all flow like a beauty of honesty heartfelt given.

I’m scared again.

My head is quite clarity focus but the lurking in the background is back

fdududuudududkcckckkkkkk

fuck fuck fuck

doing angry. grrr weirs icy shoulder shit.

Don’t like it when I thee fucking man anger is so fucking scary.

I hate me so much for even thinking I have any but I confuse myself so much with all m scared that bla blah bastard you diary cunth shit how so I cunting know i I’m know hwat I mean or say when I sayshit?

you’re a diary you might as well be a cunt of a shrink tell me about your mother comedy bullshit.

A diary can’t help me sort out who I am it’s just a chance to talk more stuff that I have no idea what I’m saying.

I don’t hate myself and I’m not confused it’s all groovy I just need to not pay too much attention.

Yesterday was such a weird day. didn’t go to bed until about 2 but was fully awake by 7 so got up.

Later on I felt really weird, kind of like lack of sleep weird but more so. My arms felt too heavy, I was proper weary and a bit spaced out.

Then I had to rush for a poo and I now understand what people mean when they say they have the squirts.

Sure I’ve had runny poos before but this was like weeing out of your bum. It was weird as fuck and went on for ages.

But after, just like ‘The Incident’ when I threw up half my stomach lining, I felt completely fine again.

It really seemed (both times) like I had some bad stuff/illness/whatever in me and first time i threw it up but this time I pooed all the bad out and was fine again.

I don’t know if it’s medically possible but what if I really do that? Kind of why I’ve never really been in: my body gathers up all the germs/gunk/badness/whatever and then just expunges it?