I wish I could still SCREAM inside my head. I wish I could squeeze my had as if crushing the pain. I don’t wish I could hurt myself but I wish I could. The inside pressure isn’t close to what it used to be and I will roll another because I just dropped the last one out the window, and then go to bed.

And I will not be Bad or Sad and I will deal with this shit that by brain tries to fuck with me with, but I wish I didnt’ have to, I wish I could still take the easy way out and just not like myself and get all fucked up and somehow end up liking myself cos I’m not dead but not rinse and repeat but a good, safe, comfortable, easy way out of the brain pain.

It’s all well and good eveyone an by everyone I

need to message Sandy

I’m heading for oblivion if I don’t find a focus but I don’t need or want one but only because I don’t have one.

I have no purpose other than to be me and be beautiful to;/for other people and that be groovy but,

I don’t know what I want I don’t know what I need, I’m groovy being me but

even if I don’t live to 113, I still have fucking THIRTY years left of being alive.

How long can I keep being me even if I am totes groovy with it at the mo?

Who will I be when I’m 99 and everyone else is dead or old and who will keep me being me then?

I can get away with it because I’m using other people’s eyes but what when there are no eyes left to look through ‘cept my own?

I think I used to be like this in my Hippy days but I saw things differently back then without now knowledge or eys.

First day yesterday doing half didn’t do anything but I think today with the second half might have done, just a bit.

I did a lot of online update website upload videos stuff. Don’t know if I would have done it anyway because it’s overdue but I did do it.

Ignoring mental head booze stoner now stuff,

something is wrong.

I’m still having naps during the day and sometime closer to when I’ve only just wokeen u that before.

bellend shut your fanny

I’m supposed to be doing this, it’s good for me, keeps the empty memories at bay.

So yesterday’s thoughts were the tiredness. I’ve been very tired for a while now and a cheeky disco nap happens every day or other day or so. Sometimes I’m up at ten, biccies and coffee and games or internet and then by 1 I need a nap.

I’ve had two naps in a day sometimes. I don’t know when this started but I never used to have naps and didn’t quite even get the gist when Sandy started to have them and she wasn’t even old like I am now.

I wonder about what it is and it’s not an inertia thing and nodding off from the boredom of doing nothing because I’m good at that nothing slow stuff. it can’t be because I’m ‘old’ because I wasn’t old 3/2/4/1? however long months ago since this first started.

I assume it’s not a Covid thing or a long covid thing with the lethargy because I don’t think I’ve had Covid so what is it?