All this getting like I do to let go and tell and message people lovely things about them is only to stave off the bad to myself

I ride it for a while and then it descends and i have to find why I like myself and then when i do it’s back to this for a while.

I’d almost like to take medical brain drugs to keep it all on a level instead of up and down like a clown but it’s just too scary.

It might even be good for me but, what if I do and I’m not weird any more or nobody likes me because I’m normal or what if I don’t like me because I’m not the old me? Could I ever get used to the new me?

Not now probs but could I have done then but even I still wonder now, what if I could be “normal” but still be me.

What if that’s what medical brain drugs do, they just take away all the shit but still leave the weird?

I can’t see it though. The fucked up part of me is so much a part of the lovely me that I can’t see how they could fix me in the way I sometimes think I want.

I wish my head didn’t hurt so much the way it does sometimes, but, I don’t think I’d want it not to.

I hate that I think it’s a very important part of who I am and if a shrink ever fixed me, I’d be like Jack Nicholson when he was pretending in Cuckoo’s Nest but for real.

I might be putting fancy words on it but I think I hurt in the brain for reasons that should never be taken away.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t want that release because that only happens if it’s like a full on safety net.

So what do I want?

there is something inside screaming to get out and it’s fucking with my tummy and my mojo and

it just fucking hurts but I don’t know where or why or how so I can’t ease it.

its just a bubbling cunt hiding like a fuck waiting chest burst out of your brain and fuck with you.

I fucking hate it.

The lonely thing and all that, no matter how much I try and work out if I even miss it. I just want somebody who can keep up with me.

Oh i dont’ know fuck off

Sometimes you have stuff but don’t know who to tell it to. Am I distrusting them or are they just not the right person to receive it the way it’s delivered or

and then the fucking spirals start.

I can’t even scream any more.