Who do you tell your darkest to? When you’re giving when do you give that bit?

I have bravado I have silly to hide behind I have protection from friends, the dark is kept at bay.

But who do I tell about the bits that get in through the cracks in the door at night?

The parts I don’t even talk about with myself.

when do I get to tell someone how scared I am and cry on their lap?

Never. Because when i wake up in the morning I will be back to knowing I can’t have such things.

it’s such a strange thing to want but not want. Even though i talk loads about honest stuff I’m not sure except maybe Ellie, I’ve ever told anyone how scared I really am.

I shit it ever day.

I paint my nails is that OK? Am i being too weird? I wear all my armour, is it an affectation or a flamboyance or a protection?

Am I screaming for help from inside a locked cage or am I all rooster shit?

What am I protecting? Who am I protecting from what? What am I so scared of about being scared of?

Inside I think I’m a fucking wreck. And it’s all held together with gaffer tape and blu tac.

This vomiting blood thing i didn’t even think it was scary until everyone shit their pants on my behalf.

It’s only been a week or so and it seems like a lifetime ago that a thing happened but I was OK meanwhile people are going ape shit and doctors and blood tests and shit.

It all doesn’t seem real anymore except I still need the last test results to see if I’m OK or not.

if I’m not and have to do hospital shit there is going to be fuck ton of me not paying attention to things I should do and just digging the cool out of everything.

It’s difficult to tell someone/anyone/yourself how truly scared your really are.

I should talk more on here when I dont know what to say to anyone and don’t have to correct my red underlined spelling like the glowing red wobly line fucker above.

How do I feel on this first day of my new diary?

Well, funny you should ask, I had blood tests for a maybe scary thing but still got boozed up and high anyway because I felt like it and wanted to get into a writing mode.

Apart from that I’m completely groovy with this whole doing nothing thing

But the other never goes away.

Apart from missing the gigs I’ve had so much tranquillity this year it’s been

I haven’t wasted it I’ve revelled in it.

I’m not talking to you any more